I have made a wonderful and completely helpful observation about my life: finally I am starting to understand the inner workings of my “cycles”. No, not that cycle… What I have discovered are, my Seasons. Having been born in November, my year really starts within that month and throughout my year, I trend four 3-month long Seasons. This awareness may be due to my inherit nature to associate numbers to well, just about anything or; it may just be a functional mapping system with which humans have been designed to contain. Although, most would probably believe it to just be my zany-brainy self finding numeric patterns as I do, so enjoy.
Either way, understanding these Seasons has proved to be mighty beneficial for navigating my life. Whether the result be help for persevering through a particularly difficult or mournful Season; or to enable me to effectively plan for my future, the reward for my awareness has begun to form. This current year is coming to a quick close! So much has occurred in this beautiful and thrilling year!
My last birthday came with the beginning of a new Era. Not just new Seasons but truly a new volume of life. The single days and my far-wandering ambitions abruptly came to an end. I found myself with acute vision for my future. No longer allowing myself the flexibility or rather, lack of accountability that I had in the past. I knew what I wanted and I began to prepare. My deepest desire for 2014 was that by the calendar year’s end, I had hoped to have a tiny taste of my future. What I dreamed of was this: If, and I did say IF, there had been a man for me in this world; I just wanted to meet him. I wanted to meet him and have within me an internal knowing that I would be a wife. That I could be, someone’s partner and teammate with a deep bond of honest love.Really, I knew it wasn’t too much to ask for because it’s not like I wanted to be married by year’s end! I just needed to have a glimpse and assurance, a connection with a hope, to know that I could still believe my dreams could come true. There was a time past when I experienced a truly dysfunctional and highly toxic Season that really was an Era of toxic Seasons; in which I had taught myself the art of self-suppression. I already had known how to self-suppress throughout my childhood, and my exquisite coping mechanisms were also already, highly functioning. Through that Season though; I made it an art form.
I truly became a different person. I often debated seriously whether to change my name during that time because I knew I was no longer the person I was born to become. Through being subjected to intense coercion and manipulation and allowing myself to disconnect and be cut off from Truth and my real Identity; I had become a puppet. A surface-level functional Barbie Doll. Complete with Car, Occupation, Toxic Ken Doll with his Toxic “Job”, and Zero hope for my Plastic Future. I essentially was, a shell of a person, that no longer reflected me.
An Era of many Seasons later, my hopes and dreams began to resurface. Honestly, the entire process was mostly painful. Tiresome and taxing; mentally, definitely emotionally and even physically. I had with exact precision truly disconnected entirely from my true Identity. So when I began to learn how to uncover my Roots Of Royalty, and I began to Recognize them; I was presented with a vital choice. I could either , continue to deny my identity and live in that plastic world of torment and confusion; or I could Respond with acceptance. Acceptance meant discomfort. Not because I didn’t want to have hope and truth in my life; but because comfort zones healthy or not; they are comfortable, familiar, and easy.
I chose to break through my comfort zones and do the hard work to get uncomfortable and grow. It was a long journey and a lot of junk had to get cut away from my mind, my emotions, and even my body. Old patterns had to be faced and pulled out and new patterns had to be practiced and forged. The hard work was absolutely worth the reward. In fact, my reward continues to outpour in my life and is of far greater value than that of the work I did to get here.
This new Era is filled with love, laughter, and new adventures. I am often challenged with accepting that this could really be my life now. I won’t pretend that life is perfect… Because of course, it is not perfect. But, I often wonder how I could have been showered with such a gift as this beautiful life I have been given. Realizing the value of life, is crucial. Receiving that your own life is valuable, is a challenge worth overcoming.
Sometimes I find myself entering a Season with such passion and momentum that it’s gone before I even realize it began. Other times, the Season is long and grueling; leaving me to wonder if it will ever end. Finding stability and balance is a goal with great reward that many are seeking to achieve. Even if unknown to the seeker.
Ultimately, we need to begin to grasp the value of our life and receive oneself as valuable in order to obtain balance in the ever-flowing changes of life. I didn’t just wake up today and have understanding shining upon the reason and beauty for the Seasons of my life. I had to work hard to get to this place. I had to start with accepting myself and looking at truth rather than fighting against myself.
That meant and does mean, allowing yourself to see the bad and choosing to overcome it rather than letting it bulldoze you. Sometimes the negative is from an external source, and distance and new boundaries, real boundaries are the only answer there. Other times, the source is internal and it’s okay! Have some grace for yourself. Some understanding and room to grow for yourself! Overcoming doesn’t mean you get to snap your fingers and be your false idea of perfect!
Overcoming means wisdom, understanding, grace and mercy, hope for your future, growth and transformation. It means that it’s a process. An adventure! An Era of Seasons in which you begin to accept and appreciate who you are, the good and the bad, and you learn to value your own life.
You learn that you are valuable. You learn that life has ups-and-downs. You learn that you have ups-and-downs within that life you live. You learn that it’s okay to be you and that you make mistakes and have successes. Sometimes, we enter a Season of highs and then we experience the lows and many times, it happens back-to-back. The shock of this abrupt change is meant to teach us to stay strong to who we are, and accept the good and the bad and the highs and the lows so that we may learn to change where it is needed and keep what is good.
When I began writing this excerpt, I was nearing the end of a year and Season of highs. A Season of go-go-go and successes. The reward for my trust and hope for my future came to me! Not only did I meet my husband but we are now happily married and enjoying the journey of learning what it means to become one. Transitions usually feel terribly slow… And then, Bam! You find yourself in a new Season.
Now, as I begin to enter a new year and a new Season, my reward by my side; I know without a doubt that I can get through the lows that may occur without sinking to my low. Not because of my reward but because I know the truth of who I am. I know that my heart will ache for those who are bound and captive, for those who are lost and lonely as I come into this Season of learning and adjusting. In the past, my painful longing for others to know truth has overcome me during Seasons that are challenging. As this next challenge is rising up it is so that I may face it head-on because I can overcome what is sent my way. Overcoming happens when I am able to recognize, receive, and release my true identity and the truth of my Roots Of Royalty.
Knowing lasting peace and true joy during any situation within any Season or Era brings balance into your life. Into your heart, mind, and soul. You must start with Faith. Trust in hope for your future. This starts with a belief. Belief lives in your mind. To believe there is hope for your future means you speak hope for your future so that your mind can believe. When you begin to believe the truth, confidence will spring forth in your heart. It is then, that your actions will reflect this change in your mind and allow your heart to receive the reward, before you see it manifest.
Confidence literally means “With/in Faith”. Trusting in hope for your future means to believe there is greater reward available. Believe you are valuable. Trust that your life is meaningful and that you hold greater purpose than you can even imagine. Choose to speak life and light so that your mind can align. Have faith so that you can see not because you see.
You are Royalty. If you don’t see that and you are not experiencing lasting reward of that truth; it is because you do not believe it and your heart has not received it… yet.